Reminiscences – a letter

Dear Jia

Your reminiscences run in and around my heart and body. There are a lot of them and I sometimes feel that I am incapable of fighting them so I let them be. They float around and make me smile sometimes, but most of the times they make me cry. I miss you. Is it so hard to say in words – yes it is.

The memories, where I listened to your sweet whispers in the night so close to my ears that they still make my heart melt in sheer joy. It’s the pure happiness of having them so close to my heart. My heart used to dance to those words that made no sense. I used to gaze in your eyes to find trace of me there. The memories that make me feel happy. There are many a sad recollections but let’s just give them a pass. It’s no point discussing them and crying.

These reminiscences give me a hope (which is against hope) that someday you might remember me as well and would want to come to my arms. The warm hug to protect you from everything will be there. It was you who always said so, but now I guess it’s my turn. They tell me to live with the hope that someday you might miss me the way I miss you and you will want to come back to me. You will perhaps put in effort to reach me, seek me and help me find my way back to you. Until that eventful day – I free you…

Lots of Love

Avi

PS: I miss you like crazy and I do…

14th July- Diary entry (2:34 am)

Pure madness – let me know if you understand…

Raat ke is gehraate sannate me mujhe kuch chikhe sunayi deti hai. Ye nahi malum, ki ye chikhe hai kiski aur itne kareeb kyo hai. Kuch dhayan dene par pata chalta hai ki koi ro raha hai. Par kyo??

Mujhe is rone ki awaaz se itni takleef kyo hai. Kyo aisa mehsoos ho raha hai jaise kuch apna sa kho gaya hai. Kyo dard sa mehsoos ho raha hai aur  ji chah raha hai ki mai bhi rou us awaaz ke sath. Tut gaya hai kuch kahi par. Door bas tumhari parchhayi si deekhti hai. Kuch kadmo ke nishan shayad mil jaye par ab andhera sa ho raha hai in raho par.

Tum shayad kuch jaldi nikalte to, kuch door tak thar paya ja sakta tha. Par ab kya ho sakta hai. Tum to chale gaye, aur ye ret tumhare kadmo ke nishano ko uda le jayegi. Par kya us hawa ko jara si der ke liye ye nahi lagta ki un nishano ko mere liye chhod de. Kya is andheri raat ko nahi lagta ki who mujhe thodi aur deri ki mohlat de tumhe dekhne ki. Woh tumhe samet kar apne aghosh me na le, mujhe mahsoos karne de tumhe apni ankhon se.

Hath badha kar ab tumhe chhu nahi sakti. Tum door ja chuke ho, aur meri ankhen nahi khuli thi jab tum ja rahe the. Kitna shor hai mere as paas. Ya shayad ye sab mere bhitar ghat raha hai. Duniya ghum si rahi hai. Kuch shaf sa dikhta nai. Ab dhundhalka andhere me tabdeel ho chukka hai aur hawa bhi tez hai. Kaha kadam badhau kuch dikhta hi nai.

Tumhe to kho chuki mai. Par kyo pinjarbaddho si chatpatati hu tumhare jaane ke baad bhi.

Restlessness

I have grown up to be really restless and rowdy – that’s what everyone told me when I was 16 or 18…

Now at the so-called marriageable age – people say I have grown up. Have I really or it’s just another phase where we learn to live according to someone’s expectations and just start accommodating.

I still am restless in my own way, but I have Books & my BlackBerry to accompany me and give me some solace in my sort of lifestyle. Again they can’t cure the restlessness that I am suffering from. For that matter can anyone really cure it? I have just stepped into this new world full of wonders, away from the expectations of studies, and some other blahs of life and now here comes the never ending imposition of a married life.

Everyone will smile around you and will coax you (as if it’s such an amazing joke and you will roll on the floor laughing) – Beta, ab to shadi ki umr ho gayi tumhari to kya socha hai?? Abbe, what is your problem man?? And you are expected to shy away saying, aunty app bhi na, kaisa majak karti hai… Go buy yourself a life – and if you don’t have enough money to buy it, I will give you some, but just don’t bug me with that marriage saga ya.

You don’t get old or anything once you reach your late twenties (read 25-27). That is when all the fun in life starts. You have learnt enough, not to get idiotically hurt again. Of course we will fall in and out of love (in all its probability). We are economically independent. Yes, we are not shying away from taking responsibility, but why it has to come only in the form of marriage. I’m not prepared, and I never will be for a jump into it.

And I realized that I am not the only 25-26 year old facing this restlessness, there are many others who do. I am not indecisive or anything. I am just averse to the idea of giving up everything that I have learnt and lived by in the past 26 years of my life for just one person who I don’t even know. But I am scared. There is no reason to be – everyone makes me understand, but somehow they are unable to convince me of the same.

And the restlessness grows again.

Lost - 3

Lost -1 and Lost -2  

The miracle didn’t last long though as cancer has its own terms and conditions, and all have to mould accordingly.

It came to be discovered during the second biopsy after six months of her surgery that cancer cells had spread to tissues outside the pelvic region and were found on the liver as well. Doctors discovered shedding. The spread happened really fast and doctors suggested immediate hospitalization for her with regular chemo sessions.

Neil renounced everything to be with her in the hospital during her treatment. He still prayed a lot for her recovery and hoped that one day she will walk out of the hospital holding his hands like they used to earlier. The resurfacing had made Nishi irritable and weak. The nagging pain seemed to increase with each day and became unbearable. Now even his stunning smile did not seem take away her pain. She was falling into depths of hopelessness.

Nishi looked like an old leaf just attached to the tree, waiting for the breeze to come and detach her from her root and take her along. Neil was always there for her at every minute of the day. He had become her life-support to keep her fighting spirits high. She had awaited death every day, begging for the pain to go away. But there she was alive, yet another day to see Neil trying to put up a brave face in front of her.

Her cancer had made Neil a much stronger person than ever. He was no longer the shy, scared and feeble guy who was scared even to speak out to his colleagues. They both knew that she would not survive and still there was this heartbreaking pain when he saw her all the most broken down after each treatment sessions of hers. Her cancer had wreaked havoc in Neil’s life. He had given everything for her.

But today was a different day. She woke up to see his charming smile again making the day wonderful for her and she for the first time in these seven months felt the pain go away. She became the cheerful Nishi all over again, all through the day. They smiled, laughed and cried at everything they could talk about without tiring her too much. They giggled on bitching about the patient on the next bed, who made weird noises in the night.

The day was almost like the ones they used to have when Nishi was healthy. The end of this wonderful day gave Neil a very creepy feel and he did not want Nishi to go off to sleep but she was tired. She wanted to kiss Neil good night before sleeping. It was the most passionate kiss they ever had and Neil started to cry before it was over.

Nishi asked him not to cry and said that she will be fine in a couple of days as she didn’t have any pain today and that told Neil that this was the last kiss they ever had. Nishi closed her eyes and rested her head on Neil’s shoulders. There she whispered some incoherent mumblings and slipped off in her wistful sleep, never to wake up again. Neil held her in his arms till the night lasted and the doctors arrived in the morning to announce her officially gone forever. He stood there with tears flowing uncontrollably.

Neil became Nishi during her illness. She was keep alive in him but somewhere Neil was lost forever with his first love.

Lost -2

Lost -1

They enjoyed every bit of their togetherness with hidden gazes at each other, stolen kisses in the office elevator, there small walks from the office till the metro station, small texts throughout the day and many more such gestures. In these many days of togetherness, Nishi had gradually helped him get over his shyness to a large extent. He would now pick on Nishi every time they would be alone. Even amongst people, he started to gel well in the crowd.

All fairy tales shattered when it was not even eight months of their being together, and the realization seeped in that Neil will never be able to live together forever with Nishi. They were destined to separate soon as the dark clutches of cancer had gotten hold of Nishi. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in its third stage, having invaded over her other organs, fallopian tubes and uterus too. First opinions declared that she had a little more than six months to live.

An ignored cyst had grown up to be cancerous, making it almost an impossible case of recovery. They consulted a couple of other doctors who showed them a ray of hope in the faltering life of Nishi as they said that even in the third stage it can be treated if there was no shedding* of cancer cells . She was immediately put on treatment regime. Doctors suggested surgical removal of cancer and debulking** (if required), as they found that it had spread through the pelvic region as well.

Nishi started her treatment sessions. The chemo sessions made her loose all her curly tresses that Neil was madly in love with. She had lost so much of weight and looked so fragile, almost transparent in the pale pink gown. She would stare out of the window at the gloomy rainy sky and wait. She had stopped looking into his beautiful eyes that would mesmerize her before. Now Nishi thought that her illness has trapped Neil and he is stuck with her during the worst of her phases.

However, Neil’s prayers of healing Nishi were heard. She started to show some stability with the medications. She underwent the surgery and the doctors told her that she was cured but she will have to continue with regular medications and chemo sessions for another couple of years to avoid resurfacing. The third stage of cancer being treated was a miracle to happen and they were very happy.

Everyone thanked God for the miracle.

*Shedding - Cancer cells can shed (break off) from the main ovarian tumor. Shedding into the abdomen may lead to new tumors forming on the surface of nearby organs and tissues.

**Debulking - If the cancer has spread, the surgeon removes as much cancer as possible. This is called "debulking" surgery.

Lost-1

Nishi had fallen madly in love with Neil. How and when all were questions that none of the two could answer.

Neil was the typically the shy sort of guy who would never speak to even boys, forget girls. Nishi was the loudest mouth around and even her whispers would travel to the farthest corners of the room. He would generally murmur responses in answers and would gaze down while talking to people. She would keep asking him again and again the same thing as she was unable to hear him most of the times. Sometimes, it was done intentionally to beleaguer him.

Nishi started pestering him thinking she might help him get over the fear of facing people. He would never speak up for himself if he did not learn it now. When asked to speak loudly, Neil would just give a big dazzling grin, mesmerize Nishi and take his eyes off to other places. His childlike smile could melt even the hardest of stones. Nishi had started falling for him and she did not realize. She started noting his small scar near the eyes that made his smile look all the more mischievous and adorable, all at once.

Neil would stare at her when she was busy her chores and not paying attention to him. She was in the habit of looking into people’s eyes while talking to them but his eyes would make her forget everything and just gap at him. She just could not speak to him and on occasions of work related briefings, she had just got muffed up with the whole thing. She felt her heart jump out in excitement. She felt she was re-living her school days all over again.

However much Neil tried to ensure that Nishi never could know how he felt for her but she had learnt to read his stares with the corner of his eyes and smile on his own little achievement of being able to see her without anyone noticing it. But fate had to intervene and make things take another turn. So, one fine day they spoke to each other accidentally outside work about their choices and other general talks, and since then they continued talking.

Somewhere between these small talks, Neil opened up with Nishi like a book and started telling her about everything he went through as a child. She got to know the scared child hiding behind his innocent and infectious smile, the tears hidden beneath the big lashes of his beautiful eyes and the golden heart in him. By now fate had done its work and Neil & Nishi were too much in love with each other.